So last night when I went to bed, I thought about what I had blogged yesterday regarding fear. I did make an effort yesterday to become aware of my fears, obvious and subtle. Holy shit. I am surrounded by it. I am surprised I did not run away screaming into oblivion. It is everywhere which is probably why I think I appear in this body.
Anyways, I put on some of what I call deltasonic music. That is music that supposedly emits delta sound waves which is good for sleeping… calming the brain blah, blah, blah.
I don’t know if it helped or not. This too was an experiment on my part and something I’d never done before but Lord help me, that is who I am and have always been. I have a friend who likes to tell me I am a frequent visitor to the buffet table of ‘how life works’ (which is also the name of an interesting book btw).
So I put this music on and sort of twitched around a little and let go of everything in the interests of letting this sound do it’s job. Well… call me crazy, but I swear I could feel brain cells rearranging inside my head… kind of like gettting rewired. It was a most unusual experience and probably a product of my imagination, as everything is, but I kind of enjoyed it all the while praying I would not wake up more intellectually handicapped than I already am.
When I DID wake up, the first thing I thought of was the experience I had a few years ago of being in two places at one time. I think I’ve blogged about that before, but in case you missed it, in a nutshell (the one where I reside) I had read a book where the author claimed that had happened to him and the whole time I was reading it, all I could think was BULLSHIT! One day that load of bullshit fell on me while at work, literally. I was running a long column of numbers at my desk listening to some jazz cd when before me appeared an old dancing partner who had some time ago laid his body aside. He took my hand and we began to dance to that jazz music (which he introduced me to earlier in this life btw) right there in the middle of the lobby of my workplace. All the while I sat at my desk tabulating my numbers. I remember laughing and telling my friend I hoped I wasn’t fucking up at my job while I was busy dancing.
So that was my first memory this morning and at that point, I realized on that day I was really aware of not two, but three, of me. The one working, the one dancing and the one who was watching it all happen at the same time. I felt around on my head. I was sure there was a blowout somewhere and my brains were leaking out. Is this the real thing, or is it fantasy? (to paraphrase Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody). I’m telling you the older I get the wierder life gets. I love it all. I love to share it even though one of those that resides in me secretly believes this whole existence is pointless.
I hate to admit it, but I think I might need to reserve a rubber room somewhere. I seem to have developed another personality. Shhh… don’t tell anyone, okay? Still… some days a rubber room seems preferable. I wonder if they serve good drugs there…
Writer’s Comments: This shit that bubbles up out of me from seemingly nowhere… what is that? Where does it come from? What does it mean? What does life mean? What is it for? Is there a purpose to any of it? Hard to imagine there is when you figure you don’t take one blessed thing with you when you leave, except the love you have shared/given. And that info is straight out of an NDE I had after surgery. Yet another questionable experience. I have to say that I’m beginning to believe those philosophers who tell me that I am MORE than I appear to be… depending on which I’s I am looking through! LOL!