It is April, 1982, and I am at the EST training at Centennial College in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. It is the first weekend and we are encouraged to choose something we don’t like about ourselves and journal about it. We are then to tell ourselves we will dream about the same subject that night. I choose crying and journal the following:
I cry easily. Whenever I got hurt when I was little, physically or emotionally, I would cry which is, I guess, a small child’s natural reaction. My mother would say “Stop crying” or “Big girls don’t cry” or sometthing to the same effect and if I didn’t she’d say it again only louder. And of course, the harder I tried to stop, the harder, I’d cry. Consequently, I was labeled a ‘crybaby’ and whenever I am hurting now, tho I may try hard not to cry, I do and because “big girls don’t cry” and I am a ‘crybaby’, I always try to hide it and end up feeling guilty or sinful for it.
That night I had the following dream: I am two in the dream. One participant and one looking in on it. It is dark out. There is a traffic circle. I notice up above there is bright light and that by following the circle I will spiral up and end up in that light. There are purple and green flashing people. Green means go, purple means stop. I notice I look green and keep moving until I pass this guy eating an apple whereupon I turn purple. I keep wondering what I have to do to get green again so I can up into where it is light.
Dreamer’s Notes: On the page I have added a note that I feel like I finally figured out why I cry. I have been operating under the premise that I ‘shouldn’t’ cry but that really it is okay if I do. Maybe giving myself permission to cry will allow me to witness it without judgment??? (be in the light)
Writer’s comments: This is so interesting to me. I remember the EST training. I remember staying with a woman who lived nearby the venue and she gave me this ginormous bed to sleep in. I vaguely remember the next day I could not wait to ‘share’ my dream with the other participants. I had been silent the whole first day and knew if I didn’t say something the second, I would suffer the consequences. That’s how EST was. I did share it and was spared public humiliation. Also in hind sight now, I notice a biblical reference which is that just as Adam/Eve suffered for eating an apple, seeing that same act prevented me fom entering into the light??? So perhaps I equated crying as a sin just as eating that apple was for A&E.