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mid 80’s musings

There are certain times in life when nature – human or otherwise – forces a hole to open up inside a person.

Emotions and feelings – good and bad – go flying out into the universe. There follows a mad scramble. A scramble to retrieve those feelings and emotions, especially the good ones.

Sometimes great energy is expended in the form of irrational behavior like worry, misunderstanding or guilt in the quest for gathering those old feelings. But they are gone now for good. Lost in space and time.

There is now a huge gaping hole. An emptiness that must be filled. Sometimes a person doesn’t know that and scrambles ever after the old.

I know… I understand…. I hope my initial scramble hasn’t jeopardized a friendship.

In the meantime, I’ll search for the new feelings and emotions to fill in and complete me. No more scrambling.


Today’s postscript: I guess I must have been finding it hard to let go of something back then. Funny how life is, isn’t it. Strange as it seems, I don’t have to really deal with ‘holes’ any more but I do remember how they felt. They left me feeling utterly alone and depleted. I do not believe that age has made me invulnerable to ‘holes’. But I do believe I have a whole different perspective on what they are exactly and a new arsenal of weapons for handling them.



Page dated 3/8/17

I was at the grocery store and nothing was where it usually is. I went with Joe, Anne, Butchy, Carol and Tony. Anne had a list and the ad. It took so long to find things that we had to park the cart because there were so many people and kids running around. I was down to my last item. My cart was full. I parked it in a corner to find dish towels which were in a way different part of the store. Two boys I didn’t know were trying to help me pick them out. Every time I picked one, this young girl would take it out of my hand. I was so aggravated I finally said “that is MINE!!!” When I went back for my full cart, it was gone. Two aisles had been removed and there were a lot of cheerleaders tumbling about and yelling where the shelves used to be. I gave up and went to find Joe. I could not find even one person I had come with. The two little boys who had been trying to help me offered to go find my cart. I found one worker in the whole place who could not tell me where it might have been removed to. I worke up.

Dreamer’s Comment:   It seems like the world around me is changing.  If I look, I can find what I need and do things the “old way” but it seems more like the universe is trying to tell me I’m going to have to adapt in the future.  That things won’t be the same and to just hang in there.  There will be help.




Reduce Stress with Proper Breathing

The easiest and most effective technique for immediate stress reduction is based on the simple notion of proper breathing. If our breathing is slow and controlled, we will immediately reduce hypertension.

Sit down, relax and close your eyes.

Place your right hand on your stomach and left hand on your chest.

Imagine a blue balloon in your stomach.

Breathe in slowly through your nostrils and feel the balloon in your stomach expanding.

Exhale through your mouth and allow the air to flow freely out of your body.

Repeat 10 times counting backwards from 10 to 1.

This exercise should take about 3 minutes. Practice often.



Stress Reduction Actions

Eat a proper diet; avoid caffeine.

Take a hot bath or shower.

Find a project around your house you can do from start to finish.

Find a hobby.

Close your eyes for a few minutes. Imagine a happy, relaxing place and go there in your mind.

Do not rely on TV as a tranquilizer.

Take time for yourself every day for non goal oriented activities.

Consider a change in attitude.

Change your expectations. No one is perfect on the job or at home.

Expand your support system.

Find a mentor.

Be objective.

Listen to some enjoyable music.




Page dated 1/10/94


I am on foot. I come to a place where the houses get each one prettier than the last. I seem to be looking for a place to live. I think the last one on the block is beautful but I look in the backyard and there are what appears to be two more places – run down small trailers – dirty clothes on he line, trash in the yard, etc.


Somehow I am in this house.  I am sitting on the stairs in the front hall or on the bannister or something. I don’t seem to know anyone. There are people in the other room who seem to be playing cards. Some music starts. It is kind of a folksey, bluegrass blend. A man who reminds me of one of the Wintermantles approaches and asks me if I want to dance and starts to do this jigging thing. I say i know’t know how but he teaches me. Several others join us and we dance in a circle.

Dreamer’s comments: #1 It seems to me that this is telling me things are not as they appear. The front of the house I like at the end of the block looks beautiful but it has a “dirt”y secret in the back which I would have never known about unless I had carefully looked the whole place over.. #2 For some reason, I want to say I wandered into a clique of some sort.  The card game and the music and the type of dancing were so unusual to me and seemed specific to this particular group of people Nothing wrong with that really. Just that to really feel like I belonged it seems like I would have to really be enthusiastic about these same things as these are the things that made their world go round. Although it was fun, I felt it was not the ONLY thing and could not see myself getting ‘stuck’ there.


Page dated 1/6/92

I stopped at a party at John Bean’s house (I was invited) on Main Street in Cuba. It was suppose to be a work party. He was painting his house but everyone else was just sitting or standing around drinking. His Brother, Chuckie, was the only other person I knew there and he had brought a big bag of socks – work socks. I walked around and didn’t see anyone I knew so I decided to leave but tables were set up where I had parked my car and I couldn’t find it. Then Joe was there talking to some girl he said he was trying to help but no one would help me find my car. I was mad about the car and mad about Joe and that girl and I woke up mad. Then I decided I didn’t want to be mad all day so I went back to bed and I finished the dream in a nice way, found the car, made up with Joe and just woke with a headache. I must have looked up the meaning of woolen socks somewhere because there is an indication in the margin that they mean affluence.

Dreamer’s comments: This dream is over 20 years old. I have no idea really what it means. My best guess is that things were just not going as I had planned and I was not happy about it and I just wanted to change the unhappy feeling to a happy feeling. Evidently I did but the change came with a headache. Maybe this was one of the first lessons taught to me that you can change how you feel??? Interesting.

To this day I still do that if I can. If I wake up mad, I try to go back to bed and visualize a happy ending to whatever was making me mad. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I get myself madder. Isn’t it funny how life works!


Page dated 7/26/04

1                 There was something about going to Japan.

2                 Joe did a U-Turn out of the garage

Dreamer’s comments: No idea about going to Japan. Never went, no plans to. After the U-turn comment, I noted that I needed to clean the garage … still do LOL. That dream reminds me of the time tha Abby wanted to get the car out of the garage but we could not get the garage door open, so she tried to do a 3-point turn to get out the door on the other side. HaHaHa That did not work and when Joe came home from work the car was in there all whichaway and it took him a really long time to get it screwed around right so it could be driven out. Wonder if this dream was prior to that???



Sue LeRoy told me that Alyssa Hatch had run away to her house a few times in the past.  Said she was unmanageable.

Dreamer’s comments:  Sue LeRoy is not known for gossiping.  Could be she was an “accomplice” in the loss of my last job which ended badly (she worked in the same place).  Or since Alyssa just got married two days ago, maybe it means she is going to run away again.  Only time will tell!

Pennies and love Happy Mother’s Day! (yeah, right!)

I have a small menagerie of pets. 3 cats 1 dog. All brought into this house by my daughter. So every morning, starting from 3:30 a.m. on, they begin to bug ME – not their owner, but the owner’s Mom – to feed them. One cat who is over 20 literally wails… cries very loud… until I get up and satisfy her urge to have 3 bites. The newest cat wears a bell and is a bit beefy. He runs back and forth across my bed, up on to the window sill, back across my bed, jingling all the way until I get up at which point, he follows me and winds around my feet. The third cat just hangs. I love the third cat.

The dog nudges. If any part of me is hanging off the edge of the bed, she nudges it. Or she licks it. If I am all tucked in, no parts hanging, she paws at the edge of the bed until I get up and let her out and then let her back in and feed her.

Now truth be told, I love all these animals. But I hate getting up at 3:30 or 4 a.m. just to feed them. I’m retired. I threw my alarm clock away. I still have to get up. If I don’t do it, no one else will. I am still the mother.

For mother’s day, my one request was to be able to sleep in, uninterrupted. When asked what I wanted, I just said a day off. I don’t want to feed pets early in the morning, I don’t want to do dishes, I just want a day off from the routine that I cannot otherwise escape.

It did not happen. My crying cat cried louder than ever. I kept waiting for someone to give me my Mother’s Day gift. I ended up getting up just to shut the pets up, let the dog out, blah, blah, blah. This pissed me off. Made me feel unloved and even more taken for granted than usual. I got loud about it and finally someone else got up, AFTER I was already up, and said Oh, I’ll get it!     REALLY???? Too late… the whole purpose was to keep sleeping… to not have to get out of my bed… to feel pampered and to be appreciated for what I do every other morning of the year. I went back to bed, purpose defeated, and feeling mean and unappreciated.

And as I lay in my bed, trying to get my dreams back, I realized if I died right now, right here in this bed, I would die mean. There would be no love at all for those who promised me a day off and did not deliver. This thought haunts me. Some years ago, I had an NDE after surgery wherein I learned the only thing you can take with you when you go is the love you’ve given. I totally believe this. Now I have to live it, even more so than I thought I was.

It’s hard to find an ugly spot on your soul.

Yesterday I found a lot of pennies. My mother taught me “find a penny, pick it up, all the day, you’ll have good luck.” Then there are pennies from heaven. Found pennies, are pennies from heaven. Head’s up pennies are good luck. If the penny you find is not head’s up, turn it over and leave it where you found it, so the next person who finds it gets good luck. I always pick a penny up. I know people who think it is beneath them to do so. It’s JUST a penny, they say. There are lots of attitudes that surround a renegade penny. A penny that has escaped someone’s grasp, someone’s pocket. Anyways, I wondered why I found so many pennies yesterday. Six of them. All different places and times of day. No two together. I wonder what could it mean? Or is it meaningful at all?

I think too much and about the oddest things.

Page dated 8/12/00

Girls…  As you may (or may not know) I run a blog on WordPress called 63yearsofdreaming where I have been recording the dream diaries that I’ve kept for the last hundred years or so…  anyways…  some pages are more of a diary than a dream and today’s was that and I’m not going to blog it but I did want to share as it chronicles a day in the life of the giggles which happens to be the day Kimmy Scanlon got married….  Here is what is on that page…

Page dated 8-12-00
Kim Scanlon got married today.
The wedding was beautiful – in Diana’s backyard.
The girls…
Katie on an antidepressant – drank too many Margarita’s – started crying on Deb’s porch about ancient history – living in a factory – how good Ellen’s parents had been to her.
Deb was crying in the kitchen – fearful that Larry would die soon and she would be lost without him – she drank too many Margarita’s also.
Jo spent the wedding part in the ER with her sister who has cancer.  Met us later at the reception – very teary…  (she lost her hormone patch).
Dude looks like she aged 10 years since I saw her a month ago.  I think it’s a combination of Kelly/Bobby blues but I could be wrong.  I talked to Bobby at the wedding.  He seems like he can be too strict and stubborn.  Kudos to Patty..
Ellen’s son has done something that upset her.  She wasn’t saying what.  She did say she liked one of her kids more than the other and was working on that.  Also that she was searching for her life’s purpose (been there, done that).
Katie puked in the Elks parking lot.  She’ll have a hard time living that one down!
                     The End
Sorry Karen…  nothing about you….
That’s it….  that’s what I wrote about my experience at Kimmy’s wedding.  I remember more….  about Katie in the bathroom and about being at her house afterwards, etc.
I hope I have not upset anyone…  but I really think this is such a good example of how far we have come together and been there for each other through the best and the worst of it all and I just wanted to share…
Love you all