Tag Archives: letting go

mid 80’s musings

There are certain times in life when nature – human or otherwise – forces a hole to open up inside a person.

Emotions and feelings – good and bad – go flying out into the universe. There follows a mad scramble. A scramble to retrieve those feelings and emotions, especially the good ones.

Sometimes great energy is expended in the form of irrational behavior like worry, misunderstanding or guilt in the quest for gathering those old feelings. But they are gone now for good. Lost in space and time.

There is now a huge gaping hole. An emptiness that must be filled. Sometimes a person doesn’t know that and scrambles ever after the old.

I know… I understand…. I hope my initial scramble hasn’t jeopardized a friendship.

In the meantime, I’ll search for the new feelings and emotions to fill in and complete me. No more scrambling.

 

Today’s postscript: I guess I must have been finding it hard to let go of something back then. Funny how life is, isn’t it. Strange as it seems, I don’t have to really deal with ‘holes’ any more but I do remember how they felt. They left me feeling utterly alone and depleted. I do not believe that age has made me invulnerable to ‘holes’. But I do believe I have a whole different perspective on what they are exactly and a new arsenal of weapons for handling them.

 

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Page dated 8/9/17

I went downtown with Abby. I was driving my old 1964 Mustang but it was white. I couldn’t find a place to park. Abby pointed one out to me and I took it. It was on the street. I think there might have been going to be a parade. It was very crowded. Abby saw a woman she took a class from . They chatted and we moved on. Then Abby told me she wanted that woman to mentor her but she was afraid to ask. I encouraged her to find that woman and ask. At one point we were standing in the alcove in front of a store. Abby turned to Jackie Marcellin who stood behind her and boasted about how good she was at designing. I felt a bit disgusted at how she was acting. Abby and I got separated somehow. I could not find my car. I wandered up and down both sides of the street looking for it. I asked several people if they had seen Abby. Andrew McCarthy told me she took the bus home. I ran into the woman Abby had wanted for a mentor. I told her since Abby would not. She very gently told me no. She said Abby could not take direction, was too opinionated and thought her way was the only way. It was not at all flattering and hard for me to hear. I thanked her for her honesty. I tried to find a landline so I could call home. I woke up.

Dreamer’s comments: Abby is moving to NYC tomorrow (crowded street). It is my opinion that she is not going to make it there (woman’s opinion of her). Her job offered her the relocation. She hates her job although I think she is good at it (boasting). I am afraid. (I cannot find my car and I am too far away from her to help and I can’t find a phone.) I think the message here is to just let go. Let go and let her make her own way without my intervention.

 

Page dated 10/14/98

I think I am in a large park. I am wandering along a path and there is a pretty wide river to my right. People are rowing boats in the river.

I come upon what looks like a spirit of some sort. I think it looks just like me and I recognize it as a lost soul… MY lost soul. It seems to be talking to me but I can’t hear a word and I get the impression it is like an unheard parent. It talks and talks and seems to be wanting to give me a message but, like a child, I am not listening.

Eventually, it turns upward and seems to just hover in wait for me. I am engrossed in watching the people on the river and also it seems I have something on my mind. I just want to “zone out” and think about what’s going on. I can see inside my body is a lot of tangled ‘string’ with lots of knots in it and recognize this as a problem I need to solve. My “spirit” just silently hovers and allows me to struggle with sorting out what seems like my mistakes. Each time I look, I see it is still trying to talk to me but I still don’t hear a thing.

Finally, I say please either help me figure this out, or quit talking. All of a sudden I am in one of the boats floating down the river. My spirit, lost soul, is in the boat with me. I see the mess inside me begin to straighten out and all the knots are coming loose. I become calmer and know that it is the work of my spirit/soul. I wake up.

Dreamer’s comments: I remember this dream like I had it last night. On the page I have noted “I wonder if my soul feels like a parent and I wonder if it gets as frustrated with me as I do parenting my daughter.”

Here is the thing… what really came out of that dream was a new way for me to ‘move on’ from things that distress me. Whenever I am crazed by something, I imagine myself in a boat floating down a stream. I wave good bye to people/things/events that bother me that I plainly see standing on the shore and let them pass out of my point of view. If things come up that I don’t like, I ball them up and throw them overboard. I do this until eventually I end in a large pool of calm water that gently rocks me in my boat. I am free. I have let everything that bothers me go and left it up river never to be seen again.